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My motherboard, my self.

Getting my computer problem fixed wasn’t quite as easy as Peter made it sound, of course. First I had to go another round with The Gatekeepers: a different agent and his supervisor, who were determined to shift the blame for my laptop’s spectacular demise to me. I stood my ground, and I don’t know what it was (My polite but firm manner? My subtle hint that smouldering computers had proven to be something of a legal liability for some of their competitors?), but the next day a representative phoned and confirmed that the laptop would be fixed at no charge. Triumphant in victory, I resisted the impulse to retort, “You’re damn right it will!” Somehow, I felt it would be… unsportsmanlike.

Sadly, no amount of haggling with customer service representatives can fix things for my neighbor, a dear friend who, I learned today, is quickly dying. It’s not completely unexpected – she’s in her 90s – but she’s defied the odds so many times over the past few years that it’s a hard to believe she’s leaving us. With all the female elders of my family pretty much gone, I’ve grown especially attached to her in recent years, and she’ll be sorely missed. There’s some guilt, too, that I’ve indulged myself in preoccupation over trivial things in recent weeks and haven’t gotten over for a visit, so I didn’t know her cancer had returned with a vengeance. But of course, that’s much more my loss than hers; she has been surrounded by her loved ones, thank goodness, while I’ve been foolishly missing out on her wisdom, spunk, and inspiring attitude.

That’s it. I haven’t any grand philosophical statements about it; I’m just sad, is all. Transiting Venus in Cancer returned to its position in my birth chart today, and all afternoon I’ve been reminded of a rather poignant episode of Sex and the City called “My Motherboard, My Self.” In that episode two very different storylines – the death of Carrie’s computer (and what it taught her about her need for independence) and the death of Miranda’s mother – illustrated a common (and rather Cancerian) theme: the difficulty of close relationships, of relying on people, because when you do, it hurts to lose them.

It’s a sad reality that even the best, most enduring relationships have the same punchline: in the end, someone is going to leave – by dying, if nothing else – and someone is going to get left. Those are the rules of engagement, right? But I suppose it doesn’t prevent us irrationally hoping that somehow, we’ll be the ones who figure out how to beat the system.

8 comments to " My motherboard, my self. "

  • Love your writing style and just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your posts, even though I rarely comment.

  • HI. I am a Cancerian with Venus in taurus so Venus transiting through Cancer is a nice pleasant energy for me.. but I, too am feeling the poignant sadness that comes with having Mom, and Nan and all my AUNTS, gone, as Mother’s Day draws near.As a sappy Cancerian I LOVE MOM’S DAY. Luckily, I have one incredible grown up son who still hangs out with his folks now and again so he’ll be joining me and hubby for a Mother’s Day hike in the woods, a family tradition. Then we go eat dinner in a local biker bar so I don’t have to get dressed up after the sweaty hike. … But, it’s still hard to be without a mom or granmom on mother’s day even when we’re all grown up.

  • My mom was admitted to a dementia facility yesterday. Talked to my dad about it last night on the phone. It’s sad. I’d called to try to figure out where to send Mother’s Day flowers to, knowing they were supposed to move her sometime this week or so, and worrying if she’ll get them and how she’s dealing with it. Oy. So, what you said about Saturn transiting my Moon…

  • Oh leslee, I’m so sorry. How especially poignant just before Mother’s Day. My heart goes out to you and your family. 🙁

    Maddie, you are so right! I can’t believe I had blanked on the whole Mother’s Day thing, with TV commercials reminding me every 30 seconds. Guess that’s probably adding to my sense of melancholy, too. Your Mother’s Day tradition sounds kick-ass! Have a wonderful time.

    Kuanyin, thank you for your kind words and for just popping in to say hi – it brightened my day. I hadn’t visited your blog for awhile so just dropped in for a peek. Hope everyone will stop by for a look at your gorgeous photos of the moon.

  • Hey April,

    I know it’s been said before, but your last paragraph was a perfect reminder to me to love anyway. I waste too much time trying to beat the system, or be afraid of the system beating me (i.e. snatching my loved ones early), when really, in the end, even if it ends in death, could you really not have loved?


  • A most excellent lesson indeed, Amy: “Love anyway.”

    As my (Taurus) mom was fond of saying, “Without the bad times, you wouldn’t appreciate the good times half as much.” It can be hard to have that kind of faith in the inherent goodness of just being alive, and the appreciation of life and death as two sides of the same coin. Living life fully even in the face of inevitable death is a distinctly human dilemma – animals, as far as we know, have no inkling of their own mortality. The struggle between accepting death and being alive is so much a part of who we are as humans that when we see it played out in films (e.g., a protagonist finds out he has little time to live and vows to make every second count) or read it as a plot in a book, it actually seems a little hackneyed.

  • I am soooo late to this party. Um, if you can call it a party. 🙂

    April, I’m sorry to hear of about the computer debacle and that your friend is passing. Big hugs to you, sweetheart!

  • Maria – thanks, hon. Our wonderful neighbor died peacefully at home on Monday. Not exactly unexpected for a woman in her 90s to pass away; but surprisingly (at least to me), that’s made no difference in how much it hurts to lose her.

    In other news, it took just a little more prodding, but my little computer has been safely delivered to the repair facility. Watching a package’s progress via the FedEx online tracking thing never loses its appeal for me. It’s like those old movies where they show a character traveling from one place to another by showing a map with a little zig-zaggy line of dashes across it.

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