Thirteen Steps to Enjoying
Your First Cold of the Season
1. It is my opinion that HBO is God’s apology for creating the common cold. So first, crank up the cable and watch back-to-back movies of random quality, all of which you will enjoy simply because you haven’t the strength for critical thinking. For instance, yesterday I watched:
2. Picture Perfect, containing Jennifer Anniston and the only known evidence that Jay Mohr can be charming. My husband wandered by at one point and asked about the plot, but it is so convoluted and implausible that I ran out of strength halfway through and referred him to IMDB.
3. Heroes, a 1977 nightmare starring Henry Winkler as an escaped mental patient who wants to start a worm farm; Sally Field as the hapless runaway bride who meets him on the road; and an impossibly young, gorgeous, Star Wars-era Harrison Ford in a minor role as a dufus. Once Ford’s brief appearance was finished, I dove for the remote and landed on…
4. Out of Sight, the George Clooney/Jennifer Lopez vehicle that I have avoided for years because it reminds me of being on a long, long flight to New Zealand, which is where I first encountered (and ignored) this film in 1998. I completely enjoyed it this time around, mostly because I’m completely susceptible to the Clooney charms, but also – and here is where you will lose all respect for me forever – I am curiously fascinated by Jennifer Lopez movies. I’ll watch her in almost anything at least once. I don’t know what it is; she’s not a good actor, she’s not charming, most of her movies suck, but she exerts some mysterious power over my movie viewing habits. I have nothing to offer in my defense.
5. Dances with Wolves, which I hadn’t watched in many years and found surprisingly enjoyable despite the fact that Kevin Costner’s acting is so wooden that I watched while bundled safely in a blanket, to avoid splinters.
Other fun activities:
6. Watch many, many reruns of Scrubs.
7. If you’re my age (born during the Kennedy administration), watch Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Yes, you’re leaving yourself vulnerable to many days of Burl Ives wearing a groove in your brain, but it’s a risk worth taking, if only for the jubilant Yukon Cornelius.
8. Play lots and lots of Spider Solitaire on the laptop.
9. Before you surrender completely to your malaise, whip up a wonderful batch of homemade chicken and rice soup. MMMMmmmm. And later,
10. If you have a nice spouse, you won’t even have to cook dinner or help with the dishes.
11. Catch up on the laundry and Christmas cards, low-impact activities that won’t interfere with your busy schedule of coughing and watching bad TV.
12. Lay in a case of Ricola cough drops, which are quite delicious and soothing.
13. There’s a “That Girl” marathon on TV Land this weekend. Surrender!
