Scorpio New Moon: On the Road to a Foreign Country

Posted & filed under Lunar Phases, New Moon, Scorpio.

scorpio-nm-6ft-2Over the past couple of years, it’s become harder for me to write these essays. Partly, it’s because I’ve been writing them for so long that it’s harder to find something fresh to say.

But it’s a little more complicated than that. I look back into my archives and see that I used to put so much of myself in these little stories, so much emotion. Lately, not a lot of that tenderness finds its way into my writing. On my morning walk today, thinking about the Scorpio New Moon, I think I figured out why.

It’s because I haven’t been completely honest with you.

The truth is, I still have a rich emotional life, but over time the emotions became the kind I’d rather not think about too much, let alone share. It began when Saturn transited Scorpio (Oct. 5, 2012 – Dec. 23, 2014; June 14 – Sep. 17, 2015) and the twelfth house of my birth chart.

I’ve always considered my Scorpio twelfth house to be a creative, emotional wellspring I could tap into whenever I needed inspiration. There were always sadness and fear in there, but they were the fears of a young woman—sexy fears, just challenging enough to inspire creativity and encourage personal growth.

But Saturn’s transit through Scorpio opened the door to new and wholly unattractive fears. For the first time, my completely unearned good health failed me. The lives of people close to me began to unravel. I felt the sharp disappointment of a career that is not as successful as I’d like, and personal growth that has slowed considerably.

I began to see myself as an older person. Suddenly, most of the happy milestones of marriage, new houses, career success, and graduations were happening to other, younger people. I don’t begrudge them those joys; it’s just disorienting to suddenly be past the age when they made up the landscape of my own life.

Once, there was so much road ahead of me that I could afford to make some wrong turns along the way. It doesn’t feel that way now. Like a mountain that was once a distant speck on the horizon and is now coming into view, I can see that there is an end point to this journey. The closer I get to it, the faster the car seems to be going, as though I’ve been away too long and just want to get home already.

I’m in my middle fifties now, looking ahead at an old age that frightens me a bit. Old age is a foreign country to me. Neither of my parents lived very long. I’ve already passed my dad’s longevity by a decade. If I die at the age my mother did, I’ve got only nine years left. I know that some people have a good old age; my neighbor Mildred did – healthy, sharp, and living on her own until she got lung cancer and died at home a couple of months later, at the age of 97.

But I hold her story as a comforting talisman, because that’s not the way old age looks for most people. I’m watching friends struggle to care for their aging parents, and they face daunting challenges. Few of us, it seems, live out our final days in a safe neighborhood, in our own homes, in pretty good health, with enough money to live comfortably, and with loving children and affectionate young neighbors to share our lives.

Some of that falls to luck – good genes, supportive parents. Some of it is the result of choices we’ve made. And a huge part of it is just plain bravery and grit, and I guess none of us knows how much of it we have until we need it.

At this Scorpio New Moon, the days are short and the shadows are long. The flat, autumn light is less forgiving, and if we look in the mirror, we see every imperfection. The nights are longer, and in the dark it’s somehow easier to locate our faults and weaknesses, fear and grief. But it’s a little harder to share them, because that means admitting them to ourselves first.

I don’t think we change as we age. I think we just become more comfortable being who we’ve always been. We don’t feel the need to be false—more cheerful, more accommodating than we feel—in order to make others more comfortable around us. We become our Scorpionic selves, stripped of artifice and the comforting fictions of youth.

The Scorpio journey is about stripping off layers, year after year, and getting to know the essence of who we are. Because we may not be able to count on good genes or good luck, and some bad decisions can’t be undone. We may lose loved ones. We will probably lose some of our health. But we never lose the person we are underneath our clothes, underneath our skin. In the end, maybe that’s enough to keep us brave.

© 2015 April Elliott Kent

My new book, Astrological Transits (Fair Winds Press) is now available wherever books are sold! I hope that it will inspire and empower you to learn more about your own chart and planetary cycles. See this page for details!

 

44 Responses to “Scorpio New Moon: On the Road to a Foreign Country”

  1. Steve Bennett

    Nice. Having a few years on you, and an extra Saturn return, I can relate to what you are feeling. Just choose to be happy. You deserve it 🙂

    I hope my astrological career is half as successful as yours.

    Steve

    Reply
    • April

      Super nice of you, Steve, thanks for those kind words and that very good advice: just choose to be happy. 🙂

      Reply
  2. Tracey

    This is the most beautiful thing you have ever written, thank you so much for sharing. I love your letters and blog and look forward to them coming through on the New and Full Moons, always inspiring and reasuring. Good Health to you Lovely Lady xx

    Reply
  3. Margaret

    Thank you April for your honesty. It is very refreshing. And I have been feeling the same way. And also learning to face and bring love to those shadows!

    Reply
      • Tanene

        Really, does Saturn like traveling in Sag when it is the 12th house? I sure hope so, April. That’s my scene right now and I’ve past [by a hefty bit] that 2nd Saturn return. Keep us posted on Saturn in the 1st…..and keep on writing please. Such a heartfelt gift and connection you provide to us–your online community–even as we dig deeper in Scorpio times.

        Reply
  4. Tina

    Great post April, as always. I so resonate with this. Having just turned fifty I feel like I am just starting out in so many ways, and yet I also feel that I have less energy to put into these new adventures. I feel the pressure of having less time to make those wrong turns and the need to not waste time on the things that don’t thrill me. Maybe I am trying to cram too much in and no longer have the energy of youth to run so many projects concurrently like I used to. However, I finally feel I am living the words of George Eliot which have been my constant companion for the last decade: ‘It’s never too late to be who you might have been’ – or to rephrase that ‘it’s never too late to be who you really are’. The joy of this life stage is letting go of the ‘who I think I should be’ and embracing with gusto the essence of who I am. And maybe I actually need less energy for that – after all it takes far less effort to just ‘be’. Thank you April, for your wonderful honesty and sharing your thoughts and fears.

    Reply
    • April

      You’ve said it very well, Tina. I look back at all I got done even five years ago and it seems unthinkable to me now! And less appealing, too. Thanks for reading, and for your kindness. 🙂

      Reply
  5. Maria Alexander

    I hear you, my friend. This new house business is scaring the shit out of me, in part because I see the days not far ahead where I won’t be able to course correct if I’ve made a wrong decision — and I might be on the verge of making a wrong decision. These new fears are so much darker than those of my 20s and 30s. Foreign country, indeed.

    The new moon is exactly conjunct (within 2 minutes) my first house Mars in Scorpio. I plan on taking it easy if I can, since it’s a day off.

    Reply
    • April

      Hang in there, Maria. Buying a house is huge, but it’s not a life sentence! Believe me, we had enormous regrets when we bought this place, but 18 years later it’s my dear home and I can’t imagine living anywhere else. (When I think of the stuff that used to worry and scare me in my 20s and 30s, I want to travel back in time and give myself a good shake!)

      Reply
  6. Jodie

    I hear you! I am also mid50s with Scorpio 12th house. The last few years been deeply challenging emotionally in just the way you describe. It certainly helps to feel we all share the human condition.

    Reply
    • April

      It does help, Jodie. When you look at people’s outsides, and they seem to have it all together, you feel even less alone. Nice when someone else says it out loud: “Getting older is freaking me out!” 🙂

      Reply
  7. Keleigh

    This is poignant and true – and speaks so beautifully to the Scorpionic experience (and deeply resonates with my experience lately). Thank you for your commitment to communicating truth with vulnerability! xo

    Reply
  8. Les

    Mmm, yeah, I’ve been working on a lot of these things myself, though I have a 4th house Scorpio. Heading for my 2nd Saturn end of December 2016 and hoping I’ll have worked through it all after that! I wonder how much longer I’ll be able to work, fighting fatigue (hormone issues), when financially I should work as long as I possibly can – but my SO is older than me, turning 70 next spring!, so I don’t want to miss spending time with him while he’ll still relatively healthy. Anyway, thanks for sharing, April. November’s just an ugly time – do something nice for yourself!

    Reply
    • April

      Ha – you’re so right, Les. It reminds me of that line from Little Women… Someone says something like, “November is the most disagreeable month,” and Jo remarks, “That’s why I was born in it!” Wishing you a celebratory journey through your second Saturn return. How well I know the hormonal fatigue, and my husband is a good ten years older than I am, too. Turning 50 was weird, but being married to a 60 year old was even weirder! xoxo

      Reply
  9. Julie Pittman

    Aloha April, This IS exactly how I feel ! I was born Jan. 1959 and also have a Scorpio twelfth house and seriously have been counting the hours till Saturn crossed over my 5 degree Sag. Ascendant ! Just gave my family a little speech this morning about how bad this year has been – yet another, in a long row of hard times – and how I do not want to go into the next year doing more of the same. I nicknamed this year the “Year of Pain” emotional , physical and just plain old hard mentally. It occurred to me this morning that the old adage about Insanity – doing the same thing over and over and expecting something different to come about ….sooooo somethings just going to have to get changed up, or I will sink to the bottom of the pond with all these same feelings and thoughts of getting old and not getting anywhere – still struggling to just pay the damn bills every month….aarrrgh. Well, so here goes…I’ve had my first Children’s book finished for months and now to heck with the holidays, I am gonna find a way to publish it or go blind trying…:)) Thank you for all your insights and wisdom…when I’ve finally got a dime in my pocket I would love a session on this new Era in my chart…:) J

    Reply
    • April

      I thought the same, Julie, and was so excited about Saturn crossing my Ascendant (2 Sag). And it’s better now than when it first crossed over back before the retrograde; then, I felt like I’d been hit by a club. All I wanted to do was sleep! Not so bad now, and ultimately will be good, I know. Congratulations on finishing your book – celebrate that! Many people talk about wanting to write a book, but few finish one. 🙂

      Reply
  10. Inez

    I can relate. I can relate. Thank you, April. Worth and Wealth piece is also on time and on point.

    Reply
  11. Natori

    If this post were on Facebook, I’d two thumbs up Like it. Well done, April–thanks for sharing the naked truth of your Saturn in Scorpio transit. I’ll be coming to see you at NCGR on Nov 21!

    Reply
  12. Caryl Adams

    I think 60 was the turning point for me. I am currently 67 and my Mom will be 90 early next year. The last five years have been very challenging for me in a number of ways and it is so easy (and lazy) to believe that I cannot turn it all around. However, what are the alternatives?!
    Thank you for your posts. I always enjoy reading them but this one is particularly relative to my concerns.

    Reply
    • April

      Yes, Caryl, you would know exactly what I’m talking about. I sure hope your Mom is doing well. And it’s true that it gets harder to turn the ship around, the more decades of cargo we have on board! I guess the secret is slow, wide, gradual turns….

      Reply
  13. Paula

    I will soon be another year older in my early 60’s I feel the horizon diminishing and I give myself a pep talk regularly to encourage myself to not give up my dreams and all I have intended to accomplish.

    I know cheerful and thankful are both attitudes that help me through. I am relaxing more knowing that it won’t change anything to stress over lost time.

    I am so there with you in your corner. It’s ok you kept your 12th house to yourself. I have Scorpio on the midheaven and recently admitted my age to my coworkers. I am the oldest of 50 people working where I work. Now that feels crazy!

    This new moon falls on my natal Mercury/Venus conjunct midheaven. I am not sure how this will play out. I don’t feel ready to be here April but here is where I am. My mother is 90 and I cannot imagine living to 90. My father died at 70. That would give me 8 more years or so. Time flies so fast that it is a growler coadter. Might as well smile and enjoy the whirling carnival ride. Love and peace to you. Seems like AS ALWAYS you touch us where our feet hit the ground. Love you like a sister!

    Reply
  14. Paula

    I will soon be another year older in my early 60’s I feel the horizon diminishing and I give myself a pep talk regularly to encourage myself to not give up my dreams and all I have intended to accomplish.

    I know cheerful and thankful are both attitudes that help me through. I am relaxing more knowing that it won’t change anything to stress over lost time.

    I am so there with you in your corner. It’s ok you kept your 12th house to yourself. I have Scorpio on the midheaven and recently admitted my age to my coworkers. I am the oldest of 50 people working where I work. Now that feels crazy!

    This new moon falls on my natal Mercury/Venus conjunct midheaven. I am not sure how this will play out. I don’t feel ready to be here April but here is where I am. My mother is 90 and I cannot imagine living to 90. My father died at 70. That would give me 8 more years or so. Time flies so fast that it is a roller coaster Might as well smile and enjoy the whirling carnival ride. Love and peace to you. Seems like AS ALWAYS you touch us where our feet hit the ground. Love you like a sister!

    Reply
    • April

      What a dear message, Paula. Thank you for that! I know how you feel about “coming out” about your age. I am the youngest in my family, and it’s taken me a long time to get used to not being the youngest person there when I enter a room! Now that you mention it, I love roller coasters… so that’s the image I’ll keep in mind. Thank you. 🙂

      Reply
  15. Wendy Wywrot

    Having a Scorpio 12th house as well, and just having turned 50 in late June, I relate so much to what you said and to some of the comments. Time is running out, I noticed it so poignantly the past few weeks especially, but all summer long too. Check out Ciro Discepolo’s Aimed Solar Returns, I just discovered them & the idea gives me hope ! 🙂 Hang in there ! Sincerely, Wendy

    Reply
  16. Buffy

    Hi April, I have Scorpio in both 11th and 12th houses. I can usually tell when the Scorpio Moon leaves my 11th house and heads into the 12th as it will do tomorrow after the New Moon because then I’m more tired usually. When the Moon is in my 11th house I just want to talk, share stuff (as I’m doing now), and have the feeling of a void I want to fill, but once it slips into the 12th house I have no real desire to share anything, just become a cocoon and hibernate. Saturn will be in my 12th house until 08/2016, so yes, it’s been tough and it’s been real but this, too, shall pass. And yes, I’m in my 50s, too, so I know what you mean. But I know Jesus will be with me then as He is now and together we can get through it alright. I’ve had lots of struggles over the years and you know that just makes you stronger.

    Reply
  17. Colleen Hannegan

    Wow. You had me at “it’s a bit more complicated than that.”
    I agree with Tracey. Best essay ever. Truth hurts and at the same time feels good. Thanks for putting it out there because you voiced so many of the same fears and daily concerns I’m dealing with in my 61st year. We are not alone and just that reassures me tremendously. I’m feeling the love! Thanks April.💕

    Reply
  18. helen

    hi April ~ oh ya, i recognize that ~ that oh gees, i don’t think i can handle “old age”, and maybe i should check out, after all, everyone pretty much in my family is on the Other Side.. did a bunch of light therapy over last few years, cleared a lot of old family trauma and programming, even now, friends are giving me great insights that are blowing invisible beliefs out of the water and into view – shocking but rather fun. (oh effing really? no wonder that never worked, i see why now).. oh i love this new moon – blammo right on my mars.. was wondering why, driving home, i just loved that lounge type jazz smoky singer on the radio, wishing i was in some dark bar, drinking and just cruising the vibes… (8th house). yes Aries too.. not sure why i feel so at home with Scorpio, is it the Mars? and yes, me too, i am usually the oldest in the room but now i realize i don’t have to act like it, getting into the 60’s i get to be myself – there’s a whole new universe that happens on the other side of the ” 50’s-60’ohmy god i’m old” bridge – you become ageless, i am not kidding, it’s like someone says, hey you don’t have to follow protocol/rules acc to age anymore.. go free birdie… am just on the verge of redesigning my life over (after all i have lived it for everyone else, acc to everyone else) – yes, just killed myself emptying out storage (gave away anything that wasn’t going to fit into my new upcoming life) – maybe that’s the other game of scorpio – that reborn rejuvenation thing (i don’t know the words for it, but i know the energy). xoxo to you 🙂

    Reply
  19. Kim

    Wow you talk about alot of the things I’ve been feeling myself! !! It’s so strange to see these big milestones behind us. I feel like life is flat right now. Thank you for writing this, it hit home for me!

    Reply
  20. Lauren-Miranda

    Oh, honey – this is just such a perfect description of the second progressed lunar return. It hit me last summer, and it came as a terrific shock. It’s not quite the second Saturn return, but you can see it in the distance. For me it was the sudden realization that I can no longer “pass” for being young (I’m sure this was probably true a long time ago, but I was naively oblivious).

    But take heart. In the astrological arc of things, this stretch of the road prepares us for full-fledged elderhood to come. We have some time yet to not only surrender and make peace with it all, but to find a new sense of engagement and aliveness within it (I hope). xo LM

    Reply
  21. Kat

    Just think of it as attaining the age of wisdom, of having reached your majority, with people more likely to give you credence on what is said. I just had Saturn go through my fourth house and Scorpio – there is a closed off feeling that happened.
    BTW – I don’t own a house yet – military brat – lived in 20 places – anxiety about trying to do that. Something to be said for being who you are and where you are. Cicero wrote something great on older age – http://ancienthistory.about.com/library/bl/bl_text_cicero_desenec.htm

    Reply
  22. Erin

    So *that’s* what it is! Seeing it in front of me I realize what’s been lurking over my shoulder. I thought my fifties were going to be easier, that I’d gotten over a lot of the angst of my forties. Thank you, a lot of food for thought in this essay.

    Reply
  23. Nancy

    Great post! I still can’t believe I’m in my 50s. I’ve made plenty of wrong decisions and plenty of right ones. Why is it the wrong ones weigh so damn heavy?? Like all you can see. Saturn’s been Transiting my 8th for 2 yrs. Wow. I work w/ elders over 90–many passed away these last years. Salt in the wound.
    In my 40’s I still felt “young.” Then, boom, the 50’s. It’s a head trip is all I can say, but my sense of humor is still intact despite so many losses over these Pluto/Uranus square yrs and Saturn opposing my Sun years…I guess that’s a triumph.

    Reply
  24. Ka Malana

    Hi April!
    I just simply miss you! I recently lost an older friend, way too young, 34; and I am just so so so so grateful for my newer friends here in SD. I was so happy to see your post pop up in my reader 😀
    Love, Ka

    Reply
  25. Michele

    Thank you April!
    Reading your posts, especially this one, is like having a conversion with myself where I finally put into words all the things that have been hiding under my very busy life.
    In my estimation, you are amazingly insightful about and generous with your journey. You help so many of us move forward. Successful in your career? Absolutely!

    Reply
  26. Barbara

    Just want to add to the chorus and let you know how deeply appreciative I am for your words. I turn 52 next week so this is a very timely post for me. We discussed the positive sides to Saturn transits/influences–maturation and grounding– during a reading you gave me a couple of months ago, but your thoughts here speak to the (grim) reality of aging which is the realm of Saturn after all. Even Saturn must surely smile a little when we choose to confront the reality of our shadows and “failures” with grace and humility. And it looks like the scientists are discovering that it “rains diamonds” in Saturn’s atmosphere. This metaphor gives me hope to keep trudging through whatever stretches of misery or suffering life brings my way. Thanks April!

    Reply

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