“Feeling resentful is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Quoted by actress Carrie Fisher in “Wishful Drinking”
I’m not a good person.
I mean, I’m not a bad person, exactly. But let’s face it: there’s some ugliness in here. I’m not a forgiving person, for instance. Once crossed, I never forget, and almost never forgive. I can be vengeful, and harsh.
For most of my life, I was able to hide that part of my personality, even from myself. But over the years, it’s taken on weight and presence. It radiates malevolence. As Carrie Fisher wryly observes, I know that clinging to old anger and resentment hurts me far worse than anyone else. So why do I hold on to them?
This is a question for the Full Moon in Scorpio. I wasn’t born with the Moon in that sign, but rather with the Moon square Pluto, Scorpio’s ruling planet. A “Hades Moon,” it’s sometimes called. Hades (Pluto’s Greek counterpart), God of the Underworld, ruled over the death and was, understandably, one of the less popular gods:
Feared and loathed, Hades embodied the inexorable finality of death: “Why do we loathe Hades more than any god, if not because he is so adamantine and unyielding?” The rhetorical question is Agamemnon’s (Iliad, ix). He was not, however, an evil god, for although he was stern, cruel, and unpitying, he was still just. (1)
Stern, cruel, and unpitying. I can locate these within my Hades heart; they’re not qualities I’m proud of. But as I get older, I understand them better: all my ugliest qualities are those of an overprotective mother. I appreciate the ferocious protectiveness from which the ugliness originates. If someone is truly trying to take advantage of you, take something from you, or threaten your well-being, it’s good to feel someone has your back – even (especially?) if that someone is you.
I fancy myself a steadfast person, and while it’s hard to explain, there’s a kind of loyalty to grudges; they’re a tribute to strongly held convictions. And like Hades, I like to think that at least I’m fair. After all, while I will never forgive an enemy, I’ll always admit when they’re right.
Full Moon square Neptune: Forgiveness
But are these virtues enough? The Scorpio Full Moon and the Sun in Taurus form a square aspect to Neptune in Pisces, urging love, compassion, and forgiveness. Christianity seems to prize the virtue of forgiveness above almost all others, and for good reason. Forgiveness has the power to elevate us. But like most sublime gifts, forgiveness, and those who possess its grace, should be respected for their rarity.
A couple of weeks ago, a team of American Navy Seals killed Osama bin Laden, confessed mastermind of the September 11 terrorist attacks. The United States erupted in jubilance – at least, some of the United States. Quickly came condemnation from many who were uncomfortable rejoicing over the death of any person, even a sworn foe.
I could identify with both camps. I feel no sadness at the death of my country’s enemy. I understood the bloodthirsty cheers at his death. But I also deplored them.
The reason is not that I think I’m better than those who cheered. On the contrary. In my heart of darkness, I know the vengeful bitterness of which I’m capable – and I rely upon society to be better than I am. When I’m poised over a helpless enemy, wielding a spear, I hope to be restrained by the cool judgment of my peers. When my feral side demands annihilation over a relatively trivial slight, I wish for a society of just laws, interpreted by wise elders, to save me from myself.
Ideally, by the time we reach adulthood, there should be no need for these external controls. But sometimes, the years wear a groove of resentment into one’s character, and it’s tempting to count up transgressions like a miser. And then, in loyal witness to our own miser-y, to cry for blood.
The fragrance of authenticity
Mark Twain once wrote, “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Typical of Twain, it’s a sentiment that appears sweet but could also be interpreted ironically. True forgiveness is a gift from the gods, but insincere forgiveness, like a crushed violet, has a sweetly cloying stench — of passive-aggression and dishonesty. So while I was saddened to see cheering at bin Laden’s death, I respected its authenticity.
I may not have exulted over a madman’s corpse, but I’ve been thrilled – and recently – when a personal enemy was chastened and defanged. As I said, I’m not a good person. So believe me, I’m yoked with all of my fellow citizens by the most fragile bond of civility. In the eyes of the bloodthirsty, I see the reflection of my own struggle. And when I wish for us to find the grace to forgive even our murderous enemies, I’m no sweet violet crushed under heel, spreading the cloying, insincere fragrance of piety. I’m just a fellow savage, reaching for salvation.
(1) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hades
© 2011 April Elliott Kent. All right reserved.
Amazing article … and timely for me as I am a Pisces having a hard time with this approaching full moon but could not figure out why. And a Scorpio male is the one I hold my resentment for. It’s been years now. I wish I could let it go but I’d love to see him miserable and he isn’t. Reading this article made me understand that this is self-punishing.
Isn’t that the strange part, Sharon – like so many self-defeating behaviors, resentment can feel so good in the short term, so miserable in the long term. Best of luck in letting go and moving on.
Brave article…..I am wondering, where is Fixed Star Antares (the heart of the Scorpion, rival of Mars) in your natal, positioned at 9 deg Sag. The Kozminsky Symbol is heartening ~ hate is a powerful teacher.
10º Sagittarius: A large metallic ball reflecting various colors.
Denotes one of a high order of intellect. He is naturally scientific, and gains recognition and esteem. He will be enabled to throw much light on obscure subjects and complex problems, and will win respect for his labors. He is highly inspirational, and embraces some school of occultism or uncommon thought. It is a symbol of Growth.
Good heavens, Cool Hand Luke – trying to turn a girl’s head? ;D For the record, 9/10 Sagittarius falls in my first house, opposed my natal Moon and square natal Pluto. Guess that’s why I write so much about my Moon/Pluto square; trying to figure it out, I guess.
Raising a glass to you, April, for this on point post, one Hades Moon to another … and no poisoned cups for anyone today, I promise. I always liked a quote attributed to the Kennedy clan: Forgive your enemies, but don’t forget their names. A powerful Moon tonight, and a transformative one!
Indeed, Mary Pat. I like that quote a lot. I used to be able forgive, even if I couldn’t forget; but as I’ve gotten older it’s harder and harder to forgive. Which seems weird to me; I would have though it would have gotten easier. Ah, well. ::lifts the morning cup of coffee in salute::
“Forgive your enemies but don’t forget their names”…..hmm…I wonder where that fits into the development of demential and Alzheimer’s Disease. Say didn’t Joseph Kennedy develop Alzheimers…..and the Shriver patriarch?
Ironic indeed!
My Scorpio Moon totally relates to everything you said. Sending you love and thank you for sharing this.
Love you, Neeti, and thank you for saying that. xoxo
Your transparent emotional honesty and candor brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing these sentiments.
Very kind of you to say, Victoria. Thanks so much for reading!
Your site looks great April! nice job! (I esp like the lion :O)
Yay! thanks – I love that lion too. I’m not sure my designer knew I was a Leo when she chose that, but the minute I saw it I of course squealed with delight!
re:OBL
We are currently faced with a true nightmare of managed information which is probably 90% disinformation with tiny speckles of truth dabbled in the mix to keep us in the fold.
– ingrid n, bioethika.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsNSdhxjXl0
‘Osama-Rama! Osama is now like Elvis, enjoying a great popular surge thanks to the ultimate career move. Uncle Jay explains every version of exactly what happened!’
Dar, I don’t disagree with what you’re saying. On the other hand, I’ve been surprised that a few people have focused on a line of two in the article as though the point I was making had anything to do with bin Laden or Obama. It didn’t; what fascinated me about the whole event was people’s reactions – which, like reactions to absolutely everything that happens in the world, seems incredibly polarized these days.
-exactly, prof April, ‘reactions’
- here’s food for thought& perspective:
The quaint and obsolete Nuremberg principles
by Glenn Greenwald
http://www.salon.com/news/opinion/glenn_greenwald/2011/05/13/nuremberg
cheers
Love your new site, April, clean, easy to use and navigate.
Much appreciated, Mo – I’m thrilled with it!
Interesting how this universe of ours works… Yesterday, I spent some time wondering why I sometimes feel resentment toward those I think might not deserve the good attention they are receiving. Gee, could it my natal Taurus Moon opposed by my natal Scorpio Saturn (yes, conjunct this Scorpio full moon!) T-Squared by Pluto in Leo have anything to do with it? Nah… Thanks for the enlightenment! I think I have some growing to do…
Oh, Jen. We all do! The Moon/Pluto square is a tough one, and it’s interesting that the rubbing point for you is the undeserved attention others are receiving, since the square comes from Pluto in Leo!
April… what an amazing post. Not only are your insights soul stirring, your writing ability is breathtaking.
It’s been an interesting few weeks for me. I have spent much of it feeling overwhelmed, oppressed by fear, and resentment for those who have it easier than I do.
I am so ready to be free from these chains I put upon myself.
Thank you!
April love your lion just knew you had to be Leo ~ always a pleasure! thanks!!!
Oh i laughed when i saw your pix of the holy catholic flaming sworded heart – well didn’t i just grow up with religious pix like this in my family home… sooooo normal!
Full moon in scorpio sitting on my mars, and sun in taurus sitting on my moon… well.. i can’t go out and kill anything.. so it’s french fried potatoes tonight.
So i have the mars square pluto wide square moon…but i have claimed my mars square pluto as my dark side (not good not bad, just dark – and powerful, like thunder, or nuclear power, or mountains moving – i try not to show this side – i can scare people just going into this energy – for me it’s the ‘dont mess with me’ energy ~ if you value your life, leave the room now’
i see where this energy would be fabulous during wartime if i did have to defend my neighbourhood, though lately it’s gotten channeled into gardening and moving furniture etc…or is that the moon mars thing.. daaah… i never know what’s going on – just when i think i’ve got it, there’s something else…. that’s why i love your Alice & Rabbit!!! lovely site design, bravo!