"I
need to loosen up," I told an astrologer friend recently, explaining
that I'd like to play more, leave myself open to new experiences, and generally
become less a slave to schedules and plans. "But I'm afraid to," I confided,
and was stunned to find myself suddenly fighting back tears. She tactfully paused,
then asked, "What are you afraid of?" I couldn't answer right away.
I hadn't really thought about it; I had simply obeyed the limitations of the fear
without question. "I'm afraid of being ignored," I finally realized,
"that if I let go, I'll disappear."
I'm
a Leo. Traditional astrology will tell you that being ignored is not a problem
most Leos have to contend with, adept as we are at calling attention to ourselves.
But that is not my story. I was born with the Sun in hard aspect to Neptune,
the planet of obfuscation. Far from being a flamboyant Leo queen, I spent much
of my childhood in a fog, afraid of everything and everybody, hiding under furniture
when unexpected visitors dropped by. I had only the most tenuous Neptunian
boundaries to safeguard my sense of self. It has taken conscious work for
many years for me to gain confidence, and most of the time I walk around thinking
I've done a pretty good job. The conversation with my friend, however, pointed
out that that I haven't come as far as I'd thought.
You
needn't be a sun-sign Leo, or have a difficult aspect between the Sun and Neptune,
to relate to feeling a lack of confidence. You need only be human, with a human's
basic need to feel good about yourself and to be paid attention to. We think
of the Sun - and Leo, the sign it rules - as symbols of self-expression and confidence.
But perhaps what they symbolize is the striving for these things. The
symbol for the Sun - a tiny speck surrounded by a circle - has always reminded
me of the bullseye of a target, with the astrological Sun describing both the
bullseye we are aiming for, and how we need to develop as an individual in order
to reach that target. We begin as a tiny, nearly invisible speck, surround
ourselves with empty, insulating space, and then build a solid circle around it
all, a boundary to safely contain our fearful smallness.
For some of us, building a strong enough circle can be the work of a lifetime.
Others seem to have strong boundaries right from the start. People with healthy
egos are able to dance between self and not-self, occasionally navigating
liminal space where boundaries don't exist, then safely returning to the center
of the circle. They know how to play, and how to re-create themselves; they can
shape-shift effortlessly, either permanently or as a mini-vacation from reality,
seeing it all as one enjoyable and unfolding journey.
But
Leo, being a fixed sign, tends to find this kind of flexibility elusive, even
threatening. Leo prefers to be himself, thank you; if Leo were an actor he would
be John Wayne, who was always pretty much John Wayne, no matter what role he was
playing onscreen. And so during the annual Leo season we are normally concerned
with fortifying the traits and creative impulses that make up the boundary between
us and other, and define our identities. Learning to be more ourselves can
be a joyous process, but surprisingly often, it also feels like hard work.
Mercury
retrograde: Dancing between boundaries
This
New Moon period, however, offers a cosmic out-clause: Mercury will turn retrograde
on August 20. Mercury in its retrograde cycle, suggests Pythia
Peay, signifies a liminal time, when normal boundaries are blurry and
there are fewer demarcations between people and places, time and space. Yes, it
can be frustrating when the computer dies, the car breaks down, or your phone
calls aren't returned - all stereotypical manifestations of Mercury "malfunctioning."
But think what is gained: time out to look deep inside and sort through the
information overload of the past three months. Often, contact with people
from the past, who may have known a different, long-neglected side of us; usually,
the opportunity to spend some time alone. All of these are Mercury's gifts, helping
us reconnect with the fullness of what we are instead of unconsciously playing
our usual roles of husband, wife, mother, father, child, friend. With time
out to safely reconsider who we want to be, we can adjust and redraw the protective
circle of identity.
Like midnight, which is neither
one day nor the next, or the void of course moon times, when the moon has finished
the work of one sign but has not moved on to the next - Mercury retrograde
periods are times when magic and transformation are unusually accessible.
The work of the Leo season is, as always, to examine the boundaries, traits, and
impulses of our personality; but this New Moon in Leo, we are given also the grace
of Mercury retrograde, and the ability to reconsider habits of behavior and of
mind that no longer suit us.
Work in progress
Two
caveats: Mercury is in Virgo in this New Moon chart, and with
that comes the danger of excessive self-criticism. Acknowledging what you've
outgrown is not the same thing as picking on yourself for what you have been.
And with Mars and Saturn opposed Jupiter andUranus, and all square Pluto, the impulse to tear down is at least as
strong as Leo's desire to create. Breaking with the past can be very liberating,
and sometimes the only way to initiate change is to act boldly and irrevocably.
Usually, though, reckless actions are ones we eventually regret.
The
New Moon is a dark time. It is midnight now in our gardens, and it is tempting
to suspect evil impulses lurking in every shadow, and to obey the limitations
of fear without question. But while the New Moon in Leo is invisible to us
just now, just below the horizon in the night sky, it's still there, and we feel it even
if we can't see it. It reminds us that we are works in progress, and we
are creating, every day, the selves we want to be and the world we want to live
in. If the energy of Mercury in Virgo reminds us that there is much
in the world, and in us, that could be better, Leo reassures us that it will be
- because there is so much good in us, and because we are free to be whatever
we want to be.
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